FUTURE BAE

On a glum Thursday morning, I was watching another re-run of Jeremy Kyle - ‘I’ll marry you if you prove you haven’t met your online boyfriend!”. A gripping episode. Jezza had the lie detector results in his hands, the audience (including Lisa from Colchester who had been hurling abuse at Jezza all morning), was finally quiet and Security Steve was in the side lines waiting to tear up the impeding bust up. This woman’s future relied on that envelope.

How fucking sad, I thought to my self. This woman had an online boyfriend and he still wants to be with her. Is that love, naivety, hope or just plain stupidity. Who was I to judge however, it was two in the afternoon, I was still in my dressing gown and judging from the rim of my mug, I’m pretty sure I still had last nights lipstick on.

21% of millennials now meet online which is considerably high considering how fleeting the world of online dating is. Tinder brings in an average revenue of over $1.3 billion - the same amount as the US condom industry - coincidence? I think not. Every day around 87,000 people join Bumble. Imagine 87,000 people that could be the love of your life. You might of already fleetingly skipped past them and missed the opportunity to join the other 200,000 that have already got married due to Bumble. I was pretty shook by this statistic."Are you my appendix? Because this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.” Must apparently work on some people. 

There is no denying that the world of internet dating is one of the most shallow in the world. The average user spends 2 seconds looking at someone’s profile. 2 seconds! I can barely form a thought in 2 seconds let alone think about who I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with.  Thats not the point though is it?  Online dating depicts you as the best looking you’ve ever been. I mean it took you 2 hours to find the right light, not to mention getting the right angle. It depicts you as the most popular you’ve ever been, doing the most interesting things you’ve ever done. 

You no longer have to spend hours getting ready, physically go to a bar, desperately try to chat someone up only to go home single and deflated. A millennial loves a good ego boost. You can now get it without even leaving your sofa. Log in to the app and you have a whole dashboard of people who think you’re hot. It’s a win-win. A swipe right means every one feels validated by everyone and everyone can therefore carry on their single lives feeling satisfied. 

As I scrubbed the lipstick off my mug, I had a new outlook on the woman from Jeremy Kyle. She was unquestionably in the wrong but she was craving validation from a stranger that she never has to meet. She had a constant hit of dopamine waiting in her pocket. Like all great hi’s however it was only temporary. 

Desperation is online dating’s friend.

Domestic bliss is their enemy.

Dating IRL is the one.